14 High Quality Tweets To Make You Chuckle

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mattstaff
Sep 10, 2018 11:00 PM EDT

Some Twitter funnies to keep your Monday kicking along swimmingly. 

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  • 01
    Text - Tim Siedell Follow @badbanana Thank you but your services willl not be needed tonight, resealable tab on the Oreos package. 8:21 PM - 28 Jul 2018 from Los Angeles, CA
    via GRLS
  • 02
    Text - Ygrene Following @Ygrene [Being murdered] (with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great) 6:59 AM -16 Oct 2016
    via GRLS
  • 03
    Text - Anna Drezen Follow @annadrezen I'm a libertarian which means I can only eat books 12:02 AM - 15 Aug 2018
    via GRLS
  • 04
    Text - andrew Follow @AndrewChamings ME: I wasn't invited to the party FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone 3:52 PM -6 Dec 2016
    via GRLS
  • 05
    Text - Roxi Horror Follow @roxiqt How I imagined my 20s as a kid] partying, drinking, staying out all night [What my 20s are actually like] keeping a close eye on the birds in the backyard because I'm pretty sure they are in a rival gang that opposes the squirrels & I wanna see how that drama plays out honestly 5:18 AM -7 Aug 2018
    via GRLS
  • 06
    Text - keith Following @KeetPotato [kelloggs meeting] "okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?" a chicken "jim is there something wrong at home?" 2:51 AM - 15 Mar 2016
    via GRLS
  • 07
    Text - Bess Kalb Follow @bessbell Love and light to the girl on a date next to me last night who paused for a beat, drank her wine, and then said "Would you?" when the dude said "I'd say my one inspiration as an artist is Quentin Tarantino." 9:06 AM - 10 Aug 2018
    via GRLS
  • 08
    Text - bobby Follow @bobby yesterday i called starbucks a coffee restaurant and now the only thing that's funny to me is calling everything a type of restaurant. best buy is an electronics restaurant. the bank is a money restaurant. 6:33 AM - 15 Aug 2018
    via GRLS
  • 09
    Text - Elizabeth Hackett Following @LizHackett If multiple women sit separately in a food court, each quietly eating a salad, do not interrupt us. We are silently communicating through salads, like whale song. 2:54 PM - 13 Aug 2018
    via GRLS
  • 10
    Text - Abbie Follow @AbbieEvansXO Date: I love car chase action scenes Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here 1:10 PM -26 Jun 2018
    via GRLS
  • 11
    Text - Girls Eat Free And Never Leave Follow @AskAQueerChick Two different straight couples broke up at my wedding, so when you say "gay marriage isn't a threat to traditional marriage" all I hear is that you're not really trying. 4:44 AM - 13 Aug 2018
    via GRLS
  • 12
    Text - j.r. hennessy Follow @jrhennessy you come to me, on the day of my daughter's wedding when i cannot refuse a reasonable request and ask me to turn off my adblocker 3:33 PM - 7 Aug 2018
    via GRLS
  • 13
    Text - MehGyver Follow @AndrewNadeauo Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time. 7:42 PM - 12 Aug 2018
    via GRLS
  • 14
    Text - Nathan Usher Following @thenatewolf M.Night Shyamalan's wife finds a napkin that says "the earth was the moon the whole time" She starts to cry. It isn't over. It never will be 7:20 PM - 22 Jun 2015
    via GRLS

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